On a Faith Alone

I couldn't see straight anymore. I felt like I had constant tears in my eyes. The only thing that would make me smile was Alejandro and his silly ways. After all, he had no idea what his brother was about to go through.

The surgeon that spoke to us mentioned several procedures and all I clearly remembered hearing was "heart transplant". I swear I almost lost it. But then the doctor said that wasn't really necessary. So it instead they chose to perform a Hybrid procedure. It would be "open chest" and they didn't know when they would do it. "Open chest". That hurt me so much. I would cry those deep cries that hurt your chest after a while. I kept thinking the worst. I was terrified. What scared me the most...I was losing my faith.

Anybody that knows me well enough will tell you that I have a very strong faith in our Lord. But something was happening to me and I couldn't put my finger on it. I kept on telling Paul that I couldn't do it, I couldn't be strong. I held on to my mom as if I were a baby myself. I didn't know where to turn. Where was my faith when I needed it the most? Without my faith I was losing myself.

The turning point came when one doctor gave me another scare. I really can't tell you word for word what he said to me but he was basically telling me that my baby could die. I just stared at him blankly, nodding, staying "strong"...and then my mom and I walked out. On our way back to my room...I lost it. I cried...cried so much that I almost fell to my knees. My angel, my mom, picked me right back up and told me what I needed to hear. It wasn't time for me to give up and be scared. But I told her that the thing that scared me more than losing Joaquin was losing my faith. I felt like God was going to be angry at me for losing my faith in him. Mom told me that he wasn't but I needed to put my faith back in him 100%! I collected myself and went back to our room.

Later that day, I went back to see Joaquin. But before I did, I stopped by the chapel. My visits to the chapel prior to this one consisted mainly of begging, pleading and crying. This visit was different. I walked in to the small chapel and got on my knees. I took a deep breath and cleared my mind. And the words just came out. "I will not accept evil in my life". When I said it, things became clearer...my faith was back. Because when you think about it, that's exactly what was going in my life. There was a war between good and evil and I had to step up and accept God once again into my life. I said no to evil and good won.

I'm not saying I wasn't scared when they wheeled my baby into surgery at seven days old or when I waited in that waiting room for what seemed like hours. Or when they told me he had a fever after surgery...but all that time...my faith was back and I knew, with my heart of hearts, that whatever the turnout, I would be ok.